Blurry Pirouettes

Everything I see whenI stop spinning and  look out of my window is haze.

Haze , Haze ,Haze wherever i look.

The lanterns on the noisy street that never rests coated warmly in haze.

I lay down in my warm fluffy white bed :warm ,soft , cozy ,nice.

I am alone at home .

All the doors are closed ,all the lights are shut.

Nobody is there , absolute silence.

Silence , silence ,silence and endless haze.

The haze is holding my world it´s holding all the little pieces together that are about to just break down.

I go to sleep : Haze ,in my window ,in my mind .

And I pray that it will stay there forever , so that nobody could see me .

Nobody could see that I am not strong enough .

Please Haze don´t fade.Stay here with me forever ,outside my window.

And let me be inside here the blurry reflection of the moon on the wood on the floor.

Me spinning endless Pirouettes in my room and wherever I go .

Silence is my music , Silence is what never leaves me .

Everybody goes , comes ad goes again .

But please haze don´t go, not again.

My blurry mind spinning , my blurry heart hoping that this pirouette will never end.

And I pray that this one´s gonna last forever.

Oh please don´t let me stop .

Let me just spin , spin spin spin till the worlds end.

Let my world end with the end of the spin .

Then I stop.

and feel my heart race and my throat tighten.

I feel the hot tear on my cheek.

I can´t stop it .

Come back please come back I whisper .

And I just want to spin till the worlds end coated in haze under the blurry reflection of the moon.

Till the worlds end.

Let there be no tomorrow I whisper...

She could only dream of paradise...

When she was just a girl 

She expected the world 

But it flew away from her reach so 

She ran away in her sleep 

And dreamed of 

Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise 

Every time she closed her eyes 

When she was just a girl 

She expected the world 

But it flew away from her reach 

And the bullets catch in her teeth 

Life goes on, it gets so heavy 

The wheel breaks the butterfly 

Every tear a waterfall 

In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes 

In the night the stormy night away she'd fly 

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/c/coldplay/paradise_20980626.html ] 

And dreams of 

Para-para-paradise 

Para-para-paradise 

Para-para-paradise 

Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh 

She'd dream of 

Para-para-paradise 

Para-para-paradise 

Para-para-paradise 

Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh 

La-la-la-la-la-la-la 

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la 

And so lying underneath those stormy skies 

She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise" 

This could be 

Para-para-paradise 

Para-para-paradise 

This could be 

Para-para-paradise 

Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh 

This could be 

Para-para-paradise 

Para-para-paradise 

This could be 

Para-para-paradise 

Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh

he is different...

I´m such a messy blogger .
I´m never posting :D
and if u read my blog u might think that I´m kinda depressed gal ...
But right now I am happy (: as I am most of the time b´´h :)
So yeah ... School is really hard right now , always keeps me busy and makes me very nervous because I am so afraid to fail.
Even though my mum proclaimed that she´s not gonna care for my school anymore ( not in a bad destructive way but rather in a neutral way) I kinda realized what I knew all those years.
That I have to do well to have success in live and that´s what I´m trying to do .
Even if it sounds weird for me to say that :
I love school !
Not that I adore it , but I guess life would be pretty boring without it.
Everyday you learn lots of stuff , even if it´s boring sometimes there are times when it´s really interesting.
For this year I had to choose profiles , and courses so that I´m not with my class anymore but with random people from my grade mixed up . So I almost,just have subjects i like ( besides from biology an maths ..)
So in the first weeks it was kinda akward and even I (!) was afraid to reallyl participate in lessons bc I was afraid to say smth wrong.
But now I got it and in most of the classes I am doing not super well but not bad (as for the beginning)
I really have to spend more time learning even if I am so knocked out after school , bc I really listen and participate in EVERY lesson now and it makes my brain smoke sometimes...
So most of the time I am to lazy to learn and do anything and that´s a very bad attitude so I´ll have to work on it.




And also.... there´s this very very very veryyyyyyyyyyyyyy cute guy in my class who is sitting right next to me in history and is so super intelligent , always knowing all the answers .With this super symphatic smile that makes me melt down ...
Lately we started talking about school stuff and now everytime I see him anywhere he smiles at me like mad and I just fall for him . OMG .
It´s not that I am actually in love with him , I´m really not but he is just such an interesting person , so intelectual and he doesn´t really pay attention to being cool or snobby he´s just the kind of guy I miss in nowadays society that u can talk to without starting a realationship.
And as well there is the fact that I am a religious girlie and I will definetly not change my principles to have fun with some boyfriend ( even if he is really different) but as Rabbi Wallenstein so wisely says :
Every girl comes to me and says the popular 3 words.
HE IS DIFFERENT .
But all in all they´re all the same .
So the positive side of that all is that bc he is is so super intelligent he makes me point up all the time and say intelligent things too bc I want him to think that I´m smart too. :D
My mum would already love him for this , i guess :D
So in Judaism there are all these beautifull rules like Shomer Negiah which u have a desire to break 24/7 but make it easier for u to controll urself and I am gratefull for that.
Because I know that in nowadays and especially in my generation´s youth there is no place for my idea of a pure platonic realationship where you go out for a coffee at 4 pm come back before sunset and discuss politics and literature.
So I can just dream of having him for my own ...
Even though I already imagined him in a kippa considering conversion .. and in that imagination he looked pretty well , i think it would stand him :DD
Awwwww... <3








Will be sooo funny to read this in 5 years :DD

Don´t panic...

bones sinking like stones 

                                                              all that we've fought for

 homes, places we've grown

all of us are done for 

we live in a beautiful world

 yeah we do 

yeah we do

 we live in a beautiful world 

bones sinking like stones

 all that we've fought for

 homes, places we've grown

 all of us are done for 

we live in a beautiful world 

yeah we do 

yeah we do 

we live in a beautiful world 

we live in a beautiful world

 yeah we do

 yeah we do 

we live in a beautiful world 

oh all that i know

 there's nothing here to run from cause here, 

everybody here's got somebody to lean on 

Weekly motivations.

Work.
Smile.
Pray.
Trust.
Love.


usually I write those on little papers I stick on different things in my room.
SO that I am reminded of what are my goals for this week everytime i see them :)

Like every year

Since I wanted to post for 2 weeks now ... finally I will.

MAny things changed .. I´ve been to a camp in Russia which brought major chages into my life.

Like camps always do.

I met new people who I felt so connected to .

MAde new friends , thought about old ones .

And started seeing life in another way.

All I can say now is that i miss camp terribly.

Not because there were fun activites and stuff to keep everyone busy , but because there were people you could talk to 24 h a day about whatever u wanted .

I opened my heart to several people this summer . 

Sometimes I was dissappointed and sometimes people insulted me .

But all in one I jsut miss everything.

I miss having real DMC´s and feeling that i am understood.

I miss being popular.

I miss going outside and hearing 15 peopel shouting my name with excitement .

I really do miss waking up in my messy etz chaim bed with counselors that i was ready to kill for waking me up.

I miss the disgusting food.

I miss seing everyone  walking down the steps.

I miss hiding from chana lea on the upper floor.

i miss all that little russian children that used to hug me so hard i couldn´t breathe.

i miss making haredie jokes which are understood by more than one person.

I miss all this activities even if they used to get me nervous .

I miss learning, growing, understanding , being understood 

and i miss simply being in an enviroment that loves Hashem and Tora .

That allowed me to be who I really wanna be .

That allowed me to live without fear and stress.

But now I came home and if I want or not.

THis is my life and I can´t change it.

This is my home and this are my parents .

My only hope is to see all of u again , hopefully soon.

To stay in touch with everybody

And to hear , if even barely that what i do is the right thing .

And that sometimes I will move to Lakewood and live a fullfilled haredie life .

And I won´t worry about being who  I am.

It is like after every camp . 

It is like every year ... but different.

I am older ,i guess I am more mature.

I know English better.

And i just grew in every way.

SO I just wish I won´t stop growing ,

On Thursday school starts ... the two final years :/

AndI am sooo darn afraid.

Small fishes in big glasses

We are all just small fishes in big glasses.

Small people with big dreams , hopes.

We are holding on to get what we desire to become something special.

To change the world.

To be one of the 0,01 percent of the people who are known by every child and named in every schoolbook.

But reality is , that it´s just 0,01 percent and there are the other 99.99 percent who live their lives as well.

They are our neighbors , friends, teachers or cassiers .

Some poor , some rich , some lucky and some not.

And it´s your chance to choose , being happy or being sad .

Life gives you opportunities , sometimes they are big and change your life .

To good or to bad.

Sometimes they are small . they just Post veröffentlichenhandle with one day .

It´s just one breath taken more or less .

That could still be your last or your first real attempt to live , to love , to explore , inspire or become yourself.

So take it or leave it.

Smell the roses and see the sun .

Sometimes it seems like a really dark day.

But there still is the hope for a bright afternoon, evening or the day after.

Only dark days are impossible.

That would mean the earth would be one great popsickle .

Just open up your eyes and your mind .

Become a very special part of that 99.9 percent .

Be great or just be yourself.

Or be both.

Read much , talk much , eat things that make you happy, meet people that make you happy, ride your bike, write your heart out , take pictures with emotions, smile with heart, listen to music with meaning, look at the moon , hang on the phone with dear people  , dress up, travel,tell people you love them , do others a favor and enjoy being yourself .

A tiny little part of 6 Billion people , who all just want the same as you.

To be happy and carefree and special.

But who says you have to be carefree to be happy , hun ?

I´m drowning

I am not blogging that much lately , and I have the talent of finding the moments I have the less time :D

I am sitting here now , it´s Shabbes soon and I still have to tidy up and shower .

Greats are bad and mummy´s mad.

That´s the situation.

My Granny has serious health issues and is not feeling well and I am very worried.

Mum is flying to Lithuania on Sunday and I am staying by myself.

My lovely Sophie ex. Gorelashvili now Kaufman formed the cutest couple with her lovely husband..

More on that l8ter.

What I discovered lately and want to write my post about is:

Did u ever noticed all songs are about love ? 

Oh there´s a boy and he doesn´t like me oohhh 

I mean is love really the only important thing in life?

SUre we all wanna find the perfect Prince to love and beloved.

To marry and be happy .

BUt there are things that can make u not less happy and also sad.

Friends , Health , People just being kind to you, presents , money , travelling , animals , little children and soo many other stuff.

I kind of lost my happiness , compared to the mood I had 2 month ago I am kind of transforming to  an EMo.

It´s just like it´s to much for me.

I guess I didn´t know how bad the world really was for 16 years.

ANd I wish that there was soemeone who had told me that earlier.

Because it´s like I fell into a pool of lies and madness and I have the feeling of drowning .

I talk and talk to people . But I still don´t get the feeling of being understood.

ANd as my mum told me to go to the Psychologist lately ( like kinda joke ) my first thought was :

Mmmh good idea , at least I would´ve someone to talk to.

That´s why I wish that I was 10 years older and had a real friend , my husband to listen to me and tell me he´d be there for me forever and support in anything .

Because I can´t carry this by myself.

I tried sleeping a night about my mood , and I tried sleeping two nights .

Maybe there was one day I smelled the smell of happiness but the day after smelled like dead again.

And it just feels like existing , not like living to me.

And I want to live.

I am drowning.

I am drowning.

There are things u´ll never tell

I am overwhelmed.

I pray , I sleep and wake up with the same bitter taste every morning.

The taste of overwhelmedness.

I smile , talk about senseless stuff, laugh but I am afraid of coming home and I am afraid of every new day.

There are things that we won´t ever tell , because we can´t or because we jsut realize it´s better to keep them unspoken.

And this opresses me so hard I feel like my mind and heart cut into pieces.

And I am mad , mad because it´s not fair .

It´s not fair that all this load is carried on my shoulders.

It´s not fair that I have to bea grown up when I don´t want 

and have to be a child when I feel like I am grown up.

It´s not fair that some people don´t even know what responsibility means .

It´s not fair that some people just have to care for themselves and have no other problems than bad marks or a chaotic room.

And most of all it´s not fair that I have to care this load all by my own.

And I can´t change a thing about that.

That´s what makes my face wett every evening.

I jsut want to be young , care and worryless.

These times

Billions of moments rushing trough my head.

All these moments of fear 

and all these moments of empty hope 

Believing in something that was broken 

all this billion moments ago.

In a time where an aching heart was the highest price I could pay

These times of unknown prices.

These times of unshattered powers 

and joy that wasn´t broken 

with wings of love 

rushing trough pure air 

not yet filled with sour acid.

My love that died trough all these times 

My love, it was a brave soldier 

but the rivals were to strong 

so it died trough all these times 

times of punishement and enslavement

enslavement of the mind of the soul and of everything  I was.

But even if the love is gone

my heart is still filled with sparks of eternal sunshine.

I guess forever.

I hope forever.

Billions of moments

I guess that is what people call irony of destiny.

I can´t go to Berlin,

 sure honey , welcome that´s ``sweet`` life.

Sometimes I really ask myself why did I, little stupid always choose the way wich is the most complicated.

People always use to  tell me I put to much hope and heart in some things .

Tooooo much.

But I can´t do it otherwise and I tried ,

 I tried to believe that everything is for the best.

I tried to believe that I won´t be sad

I tried to believe that there is someone who has a warm heart

and warm ears to listen .

To first listen and then judge.

I believe everytime ,

I sit and hope with my whole heart everytime

I am nervous everytime

I worry everytime

But it´s for nothing if I am the only one and I won´t say it´s someone´s fault.

I am gratefull for all people trying to convince the bosses.

It´s just , I AM TIRED.

I am tired of hoping , believing and knowing that everything is for nothing.

For nothing and nothing.

I am loosing myself , I am trying to be someone else just to appeal to somebody who judges about me .

And I am not a bad person, I don´t deserve that.

I do NOT DESERVE THAT.

And so I maybe just have to wait until Sophie is going to be married so I can visit chilly Leipzig in Future.

And not haredi Berlin.

I loved Berlin and I loved Midrsha with my whole heart but thank u .

U are doing everything for me to dislike u.

Berlin , oh Berlin city of my broken dreams.

How I love u and how I hate u.

Maybe it´s all a test , maybe G-d is testing me.

But the price I pay is higher than the result .

So I have to decide , do I really need this ?

DO I really need to have billions moments of sadness for one weekend of joy ?

I don´t know.

I Just know that , even if i have a hard time to believe in that with my whole soul,

EVERYTHING IS FOR THE BEST.

and hashem knows what he does.

...

A sky without bounds

Time runs , it runs without looking back , without bounds.

And so I run , but I look back and my mind is my boundry , in a sky without boundrys

I haven´t written for so long now that I feel a part of me is lost .

And the funny thing about that is that i thought out new blog posts every day , adding them up and thinking, thinking, thinking !

And never wrote one of them in real.

So here I go.

I can´t imagine how much changes can aproach in one´s life in just one month.

Springvacation passed almost so long ago that I have trouble remembering all my feelings about that.

But I can remember that I spend almost all of my vacations in LITHUANIA.

Lithuania isn´t the land of my dreams, it hasn´t a good economy and it hasn´t extraordinairy things in it.

But I love Lithuania so much ,my heart jumps out of my chest, when I just close my eyes and imagine it´s smell.

Eastern-Europe , the place where everything is grey but green, boring , but filled with so many adventures.

It´s dirty,it´s unsorted , but it has it´s charme and it´s cuteness that lifts up my mind .

And above all Lithuania contains the most sweet , amazing and lovliest people of the world.

And I had the honor of spending wonderfull days with them.

But these days gave me much things to think about , and also loads of doubt.

Is this , what  I am doing to my life really right ?

I can remember the feeling of someone dropping off ur blinders that u now realize have been wearing for almost 2 years .

And suddenly u see the world again.

U can see ur right and ur left that u haven´t seen for so long.

And I soaked in all the right´s and the left´s .

And I felt my soul cut in pieces .

Orthodox Judaism is a blinder, and I don´t say that in a judging way.

But it is , u don´t see the world , u just see the right way , ur right way, the way of Tora and G-d.

The only problem is that in this timne I didn´t know if I want that blinder that much , while realizing that the World is so beautifull and so full of unseen places undone things and unlived moments.

I spend time with people who don´t really understand my decisions even if I believe they are trying with their whole hearts, and at this time i begann thinking about my decisions and about how much my life really changed.

But I came home and I realized that this is what I want and that I just can´t imagine a life without Mitzvot and Hashem who lights up my soul every day.

And now as I sit on my balcony , eating Ice cream from my new kosher bowl , I feel the sun going down at the horizon , and I hear Hashem whispering words of encouragement which light up my heart with trustfullness and the ultimate of belief.

These days there is so much Happyness around me .
And I am happy I am hyper happy for all that happy people .
But the more people find each other the morei feel lonely .
And i feel like there is missing something.
Sure there are many people now who I am friends with now , but what will be in a half year ?
Will they remember me ?
Will they still talk to me the way they do now ?

I am afraid .
Yes i really am .
All I want is to have people to love and be loved in return and the more I see love
the more I realize that love is all we need

And I just see people fading away from me and for a heart it´s hard to give persons up.
But I think I am strong enough ;)

Everything is for it´s time and HAshem knows how to lead us and what I need.
MAybe i needed this people more a while ago.

I have to be happy for them and yes I am mixed with a little melancholy these days.

<3 that

To the one who cherishes my words :*

Yes I do admire many people ,my close people .

And I can´t help myself loving my closest ones with my whole heart.

That´s what makes my Person , that is what makes me who  I am .

I love caring, i love leaving notes and making other things just knowing that someone will be happy about them

And i believe that this is enough reason to make them , and u will not die or loose ur lifetime if u just write someone something nice just to show that u are thinking about him and caring.

 At the moment I see my life changing more than ever , I see how I have grown and how others have.

There is still so much to say to write and to think of that my blog is not enough .

But the resumee of these last days is just :

Love the people who can love u back .

Because that feels better.

And look after ur words they could mean so much to others and so less to soemones.

And sure : Don´t forget to say I love u to people who cherish ur words.

And don´t forget who u are and how others could feel about your words.

Good Shabbes world.

I love u Mila <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

My one and only best of the best friends in the whole world.

WHat would I be without u ? 

Goya Festival :DD

I love u honeyyyyy

Shabbes is so near I can almost touch it.

And it will be an amazing Shabbos just us two in Osnabrooklyn like in the Old times we use to forget.

The good old times .

I miss them , just u and me and nothing else ( except from Ben and Jerry  love the two guys ;DD )

TAlking trough the nights , spacking and laughing 

U are my sunshineeeeeeeeeeeeeee ! 

And I love u more and more and more than anything ! :******

Attention

I wrote the beginning of this post for 20.000.000. times now and I can´t find the right words.

I just came from school and have to go in 10 minutes .

So this is what I thought about the whole day now.

And I have to say that I don´t know how to handle with that without my blog.

But I also know that people will understand what I mean.

But u know i don´t care.

I don´t care .

Yesterday was my Birthday .

It was nothing special , 

Some people said HAppy B-day just to be polite 

Some said it with their love warming me up 

And others didn´t say it at all.

They didn´t care.

Okay it´s just a Birthday and I am not trying to do a Drama of it .

But yes it is my Birthday .

And I believe that I deserve at least a happy b-day on my facebook wall.

No ?

I just can´t say how disappointed I am of some people .

Yes it´s just two words.

Just a little geste to show someone you care about him.

And why can people from some paralel classes do that ,

who I don´t even spoke to once?

Why ?

ANd why are u pretending on being my friend and want me to be ur´s 

when u just forget or better don´t care about my B-day ?

I can understand that people have no time 

The time is running and there are things more important than some 16 year old´s

But why don´t u understand what that means to me ?

Why don´t u think about that I could be sad ?

O.K let´s be honest u don´t think anything.

ANd maybe it´s better this way .

Everybody has to learn what Disappointment means.

But I am speechless.

Iam just speechless.

It´s just that little bit of attention .

Why can I put effort in making u happy `?

Paper,Time, Effort and Love .

And now i understand that it´s waisted it´s waisted.

SO yeah u know maybe i should keep my heart and my attention to people 

who really care and think about me .

ANd don´t just tell so , when they need u.

I sure love u , if i didn´t it wouldn´t hurt me that much it does.

And i´ll try to do not care.

I´ll try .

Birthday wishes

Yes today is my Birthday :))

But i have to say every year it loses more and more of it´s magic and now I don´t even care about the presents .

I just love this day because it shows me that I am loved , even just a tiny bit.

And all I want for myself next year is just two things.

Love and Faith.

Because I belive that tha´s the two main things about life.

I hope that my faith into the King of the world won´t ever disappear 

and he will know what´s right and what´s wrong for me.

That I will go my way .

And always feel his loving help in my heart and in my mind.

And I want that there will always be people loving me 

accepting me and believeing in me .

Because human can´t survive without love .

And I belive that all the other things in life will come with this two 

and that I will neer forget who I am and who I wanna be .

For that I can make my dreams come true and live my life  like Rebekka Averbach.

Grow in Spirit and grow in heart and always be myself .

When u reach for the stars don´t forget who u are.

I won´t say much today .

My closest people know what´s wrong .

It feels like Haiti and Japan in Unison crashing in my head , My life is upside down and I don´t know where I am.

Sometimes we reach out for the stars and all we get is the air surrounding us or the leaf of the nearest tree.

But we want the stars ,

We think the stars are beautifull

and we don´t see that the tree isn´t less beautifull.

We wanna have loads and loads of perfect friends.

And we don´t see this few sweet people loving us.

We wanna see big Miracles

and don´t mind the small ones.

We want something amazing to happen when we open up our eyes .

But THAT we open our eyes is the Miracle.

Every day HaShem gives us  , every breath and every challenge

mackes us stronger and makes us to what we are.

Unique , loving, accepting strong humans

Praising his name and living in his Mercy.

And the important thing about that is to do not EVER EVER forget to say thank u.

And even more important as I notice these days when I ´m in need of that.

Tell I LOVE U . and show it .

It could make someones day .
Make his tears dry 
and feel importanat to someone.
Enlighten his heart.
Always let ur eyes sparkle and ur heart shine for the people surrounding u .

And HaShem will shine trough ur heart.