No, Thanks

Didn´t write in here for like what ? AGES !
Life changed for me , a lot and so did I .

I understood some things ( even if they do not always apply to the feelings of my heart)

like forgetting about people who don´t make you happy.
There are certain people who you love so much , you admire them and want to be just like them.
You think that they are great. Knowing them well enough to tell , but not well enough to see all of their imperfections. It is so hard to understand that sometimes you have to leave those people behind and just go your way.
Go trough this corridor and never look back. It may be hard , but nothing compared to how they will hurt you in a lifetime of chasing them.

I think I became way more mature than I was when starting this blog.
A little embarassing to read all this stuff I put on the world wide web for everyone to see , but also a mirror of my life.With ups and downs.

Another thing that I understood ( which is actually closely related to the topic above ) is that one has to learn who one is.
Even if I am still not really sure , I know that I am me and not a little-someone-I-admire .
I have my rights and wrongs , but everybody does , we´re not angels after all.
But I work on them and it is pretty hard.
But that does not mean that I will close my mouth and not tell people who hurt me that they do.
Which is actually a Mitzvah....
So I should be studying hard for the exams I am taking next week , but someone just threw me out of my concept...
So that´s it for now .
I am who I am and I am not the little person that needs a shape of character anymore.
Thanks , I found it.

Blurry Pirouettes

Everything I see whenI stop spinning and  look out of my window is haze.

Haze , Haze ,Haze wherever i look.

The lanterns on the noisy street that never rests coated warmly in haze.

I lay down in my warm fluffy white bed :warm ,soft , cozy ,nice.

I am alone at home .

All the doors are closed ,all the lights are shut.

Nobody is there , absolute silence.

Silence , silence ,silence and endless haze.

The haze is holding my world it´s holding all the little pieces together that are about to just break down.

I go to sleep : Haze ,in my window ,in my mind .

And I pray that it will stay there forever , so that nobody could see me .

Nobody could see that I am not strong enough .

Please Haze don´t fade.Stay here with me forever ,outside my window.

And let me be inside here the blurry reflection of the moon on the wood on the floor.

Me spinning endless Pirouettes in my room and wherever I go .

Silence is my music , Silence is what never leaves me .

Everybody goes , comes ad goes again .

But please haze don´t go, not again.

My blurry mind spinning , my blurry heart hoping that this pirouette will never end.

And I pray that this one´s gonna last forever.

Oh please don´t let me stop .

Let me just spin , spin spin spin till the worlds end.

Let my world end with the end of the spin .

Then I stop.

and feel my heart race and my throat tighten.

I feel the hot tear on my cheek.

I can´t stop it .

Come back please come back I whisper .

And I just want to spin till the worlds end coated in haze under the blurry reflection of the moon.

Till the worlds end.

Let there be no tomorrow I whisper...

She could only dream of paradise...

When she was just a girl 

She expected the world 

But it flew away from her reach so 

She ran away in her sleep 

And dreamed of 

Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise 

Every time she closed her eyes 

When she was just a girl 

She expected the world 

But it flew away from her reach 

And the bullets catch in her teeth 

Life goes on, it gets so heavy 

The wheel breaks the butterfly 

Every tear a waterfall 

In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes 

In the night the stormy night away she'd fly 

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/c/coldplay/paradise_20980626.html ] 

And dreams of 

Para-para-paradise 

Para-para-paradise 

Para-para-paradise 

Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh 

She'd dream of 

Para-para-paradise 

Para-para-paradise 

Para-para-paradise 

Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh 

La-la-la-la-la-la-la 

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la 

And so lying underneath those stormy skies 

She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise" 

This could be 

Para-para-paradise 

Para-para-paradise 

This could be 

Para-para-paradise 

Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh 

This could be 

Para-para-paradise 

Para-para-paradise 

This could be 

Para-para-paradise 

Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh

he is different...

I´m such a messy blogger .
I´m never posting :D
and if u read my blog u might think that I´m kinda depressed gal ...
But right now I am happy (: as I am most of the time b´´h :)
So yeah ... School is really hard right now , always keeps me busy and makes me very nervous because I am so afraid to fail.
Even though my mum proclaimed that she´s not gonna care for my school anymore ( not in a bad destructive way but rather in a neutral way) I kinda realized what I knew all those years.
That I have to do well to have success in live and that´s what I´m trying to do .
Even if it sounds weird for me to say that :
I love school !
Not that I adore it , but I guess life would be pretty boring without it.
Everyday you learn lots of stuff , even if it´s boring sometimes there are times when it´s really interesting.
For this year I had to choose profiles , and courses so that I´m not with my class anymore but with random people from my grade mixed up . So I almost,just have subjects i like ( besides from biology an maths ..)
So in the first weeks it was kinda akward and even I (!) was afraid to reallyl participate in lessons bc I was afraid to say smth wrong.
But now I got it and in most of the classes I am doing not super well but not bad (as for the beginning)
I really have to spend more time learning even if I am so knocked out after school , bc I really listen and participate in EVERY lesson now and it makes my brain smoke sometimes...
So most of the time I am to lazy to learn and do anything and that´s a very bad attitude so I´ll have to work on it.




And also.... there´s this very very very veryyyyyyyyyyyyyy cute guy in my class who is sitting right next to me in history and is so super intelligent , always knowing all the answers .With this super symphatic smile that makes me melt down ...
Lately we started talking about school stuff and now everytime I see him anywhere he smiles at me like mad and I just fall for him . OMG .
It´s not that I am actually in love with him , I´m really not but he is just such an interesting person , so intelectual and he doesn´t really pay attention to being cool or snobby he´s just the kind of guy I miss in nowadays society that u can talk to without starting a realationship.
And as well there is the fact that I am a religious girlie and I will definetly not change my principles to have fun with some boyfriend ( even if he is really different) but as Rabbi Wallenstein so wisely says :
Every girl comes to me and says the popular 3 words.
HE IS DIFFERENT .
But all in all they´re all the same .
So the positive side of that all is that bc he is is so super intelligent he makes me point up all the time and say intelligent things too bc I want him to think that I´m smart too. :D
My mum would already love him for this , i guess :D
So in Judaism there are all these beautifull rules like Shomer Negiah which u have a desire to break 24/7 but make it easier for u to controll urself and I am gratefull for that.
Because I know that in nowadays and especially in my generation´s youth there is no place for my idea of a pure platonic realationship where you go out for a coffee at 4 pm come back before sunset and discuss politics and literature.
So I can just dream of having him for my own ...
Even though I already imagined him in a kippa considering conversion .. and in that imagination he looked pretty well , i think it would stand him :DD
Awwwww... <3








Will be sooo funny to read this in 5 years :DD

Don´t panic...

bones sinking like stones 

                                                              all that we've fought for

 homes, places we've grown

all of us are done for 

we live in a beautiful world

 yeah we do 

yeah we do

 we live in a beautiful world 

bones sinking like stones

 all that we've fought for

 homes, places we've grown

 all of us are done for 

we live in a beautiful world 

yeah we do 

yeah we do 

we live in a beautiful world 

we live in a beautiful world

 yeah we do

 yeah we do 

we live in a beautiful world 

oh all that i know

 there's nothing here to run from cause here, 

everybody here's got somebody to lean on 

Weekly motivations.

Work.
Smile.
Pray.
Trust.
Love.


usually I write those on little papers I stick on different things in my room.
SO that I am reminded of what are my goals for this week everytime i see them :)

Like every year

Since I wanted to post for 2 weeks now ... finally I will.

MAny things changed .. I´ve been to a camp in Russia which brought major chages into my life.

Like camps always do.

I met new people who I felt so connected to .

MAde new friends , thought about old ones .

And started seeing life in another way.

All I can say now is that i miss camp terribly.

Not because there were fun activites and stuff to keep everyone busy , but because there were people you could talk to 24 h a day about whatever u wanted .

I opened my heart to several people this summer . 

Sometimes I was dissappointed and sometimes people insulted me .

But all in one I jsut miss everything.

I miss having real DMC´s and feeling that i am understood.

I miss being popular.

I miss going outside and hearing 15 peopel shouting my name with excitement .

I really do miss waking up in my messy etz chaim bed with counselors that i was ready to kill for waking me up.

I miss the disgusting food.

I miss seing everyone  walking down the steps.

I miss hiding from chana lea on the upper floor.

i miss all that little russian children that used to hug me so hard i couldn´t breathe.

i miss making haredie jokes which are understood by more than one person.

I miss all this activities even if they used to get me nervous .

I miss learning, growing, understanding , being understood 

and i miss simply being in an enviroment that loves Hashem and Tora .

That allowed me to be who I really wanna be .

That allowed me to live without fear and stress.

But now I came home and if I want or not.

THis is my life and I can´t change it.

This is my home and this are my parents .

My only hope is to see all of u again , hopefully soon.

To stay in touch with everybody

And to hear , if even barely that what i do is the right thing .

And that sometimes I will move to Lakewood and live a fullfilled haredie life .

And I won´t worry about being who  I am.

It is like after every camp . 

It is like every year ... but different.

I am older ,i guess I am more mature.

I know English better.

And i just grew in every way.

SO I just wish I won´t stop growing ,

On Thursday school starts ... the two final years :/

AndI am sooo darn afraid.