Weekly motivations.

Work.
Smile.
Pray.
Trust.
Love.


usually I write those on little papers I stick on different things in my room.
SO that I am reminded of what are my goals for this week everytime i see them :)

Like every year

Since I wanted to post for 2 weeks now ... finally I will.

MAny things changed .. I´ve been to a camp in Russia which brought major chages into my life.

Like camps always do.

I met new people who I felt so connected to .

MAde new friends , thought about old ones .

And started seeing life in another way.

All I can say now is that i miss camp terribly.

Not because there were fun activites and stuff to keep everyone busy , but because there were people you could talk to 24 h a day about whatever u wanted .

I opened my heart to several people this summer . 

Sometimes I was dissappointed and sometimes people insulted me .

But all in one I jsut miss everything.

I miss having real DMC´s and feeling that i am understood.

I miss being popular.

I miss going outside and hearing 15 peopel shouting my name with excitement .

I really do miss waking up in my messy etz chaim bed with counselors that i was ready to kill for waking me up.

I miss the disgusting food.

I miss seing everyone  walking down the steps.

I miss hiding from chana lea on the upper floor.

i miss all that little russian children that used to hug me so hard i couldn´t breathe.

i miss making haredie jokes which are understood by more than one person.

I miss all this activities even if they used to get me nervous .

I miss learning, growing, understanding , being understood 

and i miss simply being in an enviroment that loves Hashem and Tora .

That allowed me to be who I really wanna be .

That allowed me to live without fear and stress.

But now I came home and if I want or not.

THis is my life and I can´t change it.

This is my home and this are my parents .

My only hope is to see all of u again , hopefully soon.

To stay in touch with everybody

And to hear , if even barely that what i do is the right thing .

And that sometimes I will move to Lakewood and live a fullfilled haredie life .

And I won´t worry about being who  I am.

It is like after every camp . 

It is like every year ... but different.

I am older ,i guess I am more mature.

I know English better.

And i just grew in every way.

SO I just wish I won´t stop growing ,

On Thursday school starts ... the two final years :/

AndI am sooo darn afraid.