Billions of moments

I guess that is what people call irony of destiny.

I can´t go to Berlin,

 sure honey , welcome that´s ``sweet`` life.

Sometimes I really ask myself why did I, little stupid always choose the way wich is the most complicated.

People always use to  tell me I put to much hope and heart in some things .

Tooooo much.

But I can´t do it otherwise and I tried ,

 I tried to believe that everything is for the best.

I tried to believe that I won´t be sad

I tried to believe that there is someone who has a warm heart

and warm ears to listen .

To first listen and then judge.

I believe everytime ,

I sit and hope with my whole heart everytime

I am nervous everytime

I worry everytime

But it´s for nothing if I am the only one and I won´t say it´s someone´s fault.

I am gratefull for all people trying to convince the bosses.

It´s just , I AM TIRED.

I am tired of hoping , believing and knowing that everything is for nothing.

For nothing and nothing.

I am loosing myself , I am trying to be someone else just to appeal to somebody who judges about me .

And I am not a bad person, I don´t deserve that.

I do NOT DESERVE THAT.

And so I maybe just have to wait until Sophie is going to be married so I can visit chilly Leipzig in Future.

And not haredi Berlin.

I loved Berlin and I loved Midrsha with my whole heart but thank u .

U are doing everything for me to dislike u.

Berlin , oh Berlin city of my broken dreams.

How I love u and how I hate u.

Maybe it´s all a test , maybe G-d is testing me.

But the price I pay is higher than the result .

So I have to decide , do I really need this ?

DO I really need to have billions moments of sadness for one weekend of joy ?

I don´t know.

I Just know that , even if i have a hard time to believe in that with my whole soul,

EVERYTHING IS FOR THE BEST.

and hashem knows what he does.