I´m drowning

I am not blogging that much lately , and I have the talent of finding the moments I have the less time :D

I am sitting here now , it´s Shabbes soon and I still have to tidy up and shower .

Greats are bad and mummy´s mad.

That´s the situation.

My Granny has serious health issues and is not feeling well and I am very worried.

Mum is flying to Lithuania on Sunday and I am staying by myself.

My lovely Sophie ex. Gorelashvili now Kaufman formed the cutest couple with her lovely husband..

More on that l8ter.

What I discovered lately and want to write my post about is:

Did u ever noticed all songs are about love ? 

Oh there´s a boy and he doesn´t like me oohhh 

I mean is love really the only important thing in life?

SUre we all wanna find the perfect Prince to love and beloved.

To marry and be happy .

BUt there are things that can make u not less happy and also sad.

Friends , Health , People just being kind to you, presents , money , travelling , animals , little children and soo many other stuff.

I kind of lost my happiness , compared to the mood I had 2 month ago I am kind of transforming to  an EMo.

It´s just like it´s to much for me.

I guess I didn´t know how bad the world really was for 16 years.

ANd I wish that there was soemeone who had told me that earlier.

Because it´s like I fell into a pool of lies and madness and I have the feeling of drowning .

I talk and talk to people . But I still don´t get the feeling of being understood.

ANd as my mum told me to go to the Psychologist lately ( like kinda joke ) my first thought was :

Mmmh good idea , at least I would´ve someone to talk to.

That´s why I wish that I was 10 years older and had a real friend , my husband to listen to me and tell me he´d be there for me forever and support in anything .

Because I can´t carry this by myself.

I tried sleeping a night about my mood , and I tried sleeping two nights .

Maybe there was one day I smelled the smell of happiness but the day after smelled like dead again.

And it just feels like existing , not like living to me.

And I want to live.

I am drowning.

I am drowning.

There are things u´ll never tell

I am overwhelmed.

I pray , I sleep and wake up with the same bitter taste every morning.

The taste of overwhelmedness.

I smile , talk about senseless stuff, laugh but I am afraid of coming home and I am afraid of every new day.

There are things that we won´t ever tell , because we can´t or because we jsut realize it´s better to keep them unspoken.

And this opresses me so hard I feel like my mind and heart cut into pieces.

And I am mad , mad because it´s not fair .

It´s not fair that all this load is carried on my shoulders.

It´s not fair that I have to bea grown up when I don´t want 

and have to be a child when I feel like I am grown up.

It´s not fair that some people don´t even know what responsibility means .

It´s not fair that some people just have to care for themselves and have no other problems than bad marks or a chaotic room.

And most of all it´s not fair that I have to care this load all by my own.

And I can´t change a thing about that.

That´s what makes my face wett every evening.

I jsut want to be young , care and worryless.