These times

Billions of moments rushing trough my head.

All these moments of fear 

and all these moments of empty hope 

Believing in something that was broken 

all this billion moments ago.

In a time where an aching heart was the highest price I could pay

These times of unknown prices.

These times of unshattered powers 

and joy that wasn´t broken 

with wings of love 

rushing trough pure air 

not yet filled with sour acid.

My love that died trough all these times 

My love, it was a brave soldier 

but the rivals were to strong 

so it died trough all these times 

times of punishement and enslavement

enslavement of the mind of the soul and of everything  I was.

But even if the love is gone

my heart is still filled with sparks of eternal sunshine.

I guess forever.

I hope forever.

Billions of moments

I guess that is what people call irony of destiny.

I can´t go to Berlin,

 sure honey , welcome that´s ``sweet`` life.

Sometimes I really ask myself why did I, little stupid always choose the way wich is the most complicated.

People always use to  tell me I put to much hope and heart in some things .

Tooooo much.

But I can´t do it otherwise and I tried ,

 I tried to believe that everything is for the best.

I tried to believe that I won´t be sad

I tried to believe that there is someone who has a warm heart

and warm ears to listen .

To first listen and then judge.

I believe everytime ,

I sit and hope with my whole heart everytime

I am nervous everytime

I worry everytime

But it´s for nothing if I am the only one and I won´t say it´s someone´s fault.

I am gratefull for all people trying to convince the bosses.

It´s just , I AM TIRED.

I am tired of hoping , believing and knowing that everything is for nothing.

For nothing and nothing.

I am loosing myself , I am trying to be someone else just to appeal to somebody who judges about me .

And I am not a bad person, I don´t deserve that.

I do NOT DESERVE THAT.

And so I maybe just have to wait until Sophie is going to be married so I can visit chilly Leipzig in Future.

And not haredi Berlin.

I loved Berlin and I loved Midrsha with my whole heart but thank u .

U are doing everything for me to dislike u.

Berlin , oh Berlin city of my broken dreams.

How I love u and how I hate u.

Maybe it´s all a test , maybe G-d is testing me.

But the price I pay is higher than the result .

So I have to decide , do I really need this ?

DO I really need to have billions moments of sadness for one weekend of joy ?

I don´t know.

I Just know that , even if i have a hard time to believe in that with my whole soul,

EVERYTHING IS FOR THE BEST.

and hashem knows what he does.

...

A sky without bounds

Time runs , it runs without looking back , without bounds.

And so I run , but I look back and my mind is my boundry , in a sky without boundrys

I haven´t written for so long now that I feel a part of me is lost .

And the funny thing about that is that i thought out new blog posts every day , adding them up and thinking, thinking, thinking !

And never wrote one of them in real.

So here I go.

I can´t imagine how much changes can aproach in one´s life in just one month.

Springvacation passed almost so long ago that I have trouble remembering all my feelings about that.

But I can remember that I spend almost all of my vacations in LITHUANIA.

Lithuania isn´t the land of my dreams, it hasn´t a good economy and it hasn´t extraordinairy things in it.

But I love Lithuania so much ,my heart jumps out of my chest, when I just close my eyes and imagine it´s smell.

Eastern-Europe , the place where everything is grey but green, boring , but filled with so many adventures.

It´s dirty,it´s unsorted , but it has it´s charme and it´s cuteness that lifts up my mind .

And above all Lithuania contains the most sweet , amazing and lovliest people of the world.

And I had the honor of spending wonderfull days with them.

But these days gave me much things to think about , and also loads of doubt.

Is this , what  I am doing to my life really right ?

I can remember the feeling of someone dropping off ur blinders that u now realize have been wearing for almost 2 years .

And suddenly u see the world again.

U can see ur right and ur left that u haven´t seen for so long.

And I soaked in all the right´s and the left´s .

And I felt my soul cut in pieces .

Orthodox Judaism is a blinder, and I don´t say that in a judging way.

But it is , u don´t see the world , u just see the right way , ur right way, the way of Tora and G-d.

The only problem is that in this timne I didn´t know if I want that blinder that much , while realizing that the World is so beautifull and so full of unseen places undone things and unlived moments.

I spend time with people who don´t really understand my decisions even if I believe they are trying with their whole hearts, and at this time i begann thinking about my decisions and about how much my life really changed.

But I came home and I realized that this is what I want and that I just can´t imagine a life without Mitzvot and Hashem who lights up my soul every day.

And now as I sit on my balcony , eating Ice cream from my new kosher bowl , I feel the sun going down at the horizon , and I hear Hashem whispering words of encouragement which light up my heart with trustfullness and the ultimate of belief.