he is different...

I´m such a messy blogger .
I´m never posting :D
and if u read my blog u might think that I´m kinda depressed gal ...
But right now I am happy (: as I am most of the time b´´h :)
So yeah ... School is really hard right now , always keeps me busy and makes me very nervous because I am so afraid to fail.
Even though my mum proclaimed that she´s not gonna care for my school anymore ( not in a bad destructive way but rather in a neutral way) I kinda realized what I knew all those years.
That I have to do well to have success in live and that´s what I´m trying to do .
Even if it sounds weird for me to say that :
I love school !
Not that I adore it , but I guess life would be pretty boring without it.
Everyday you learn lots of stuff , even if it´s boring sometimes there are times when it´s really interesting.
For this year I had to choose profiles , and courses so that I´m not with my class anymore but with random people from my grade mixed up . So I almost,just have subjects i like ( besides from biology an maths ..)
So in the first weeks it was kinda akward and even I (!) was afraid to reallyl participate in lessons bc I was afraid to say smth wrong.
But now I got it and in most of the classes I am doing not super well but not bad (as for the beginning)
I really have to spend more time learning even if I am so knocked out after school , bc I really listen and participate in EVERY lesson now and it makes my brain smoke sometimes...
So most of the time I am to lazy to learn and do anything and that´s a very bad attitude so I´ll have to work on it.




And also.... there´s this very very very veryyyyyyyyyyyyyy cute guy in my class who is sitting right next to me in history and is so super intelligent , always knowing all the answers .With this super symphatic smile that makes me melt down ...
Lately we started talking about school stuff and now everytime I see him anywhere he smiles at me like mad and I just fall for him . OMG .
It´s not that I am actually in love with him , I´m really not but he is just such an interesting person , so intelectual and he doesn´t really pay attention to being cool or snobby he´s just the kind of guy I miss in nowadays society that u can talk to without starting a realationship.
And as well there is the fact that I am a religious girlie and I will definetly not change my principles to have fun with some boyfriend ( even if he is really different) but as Rabbi Wallenstein so wisely says :
Every girl comes to me and says the popular 3 words.
HE IS DIFFERENT .
But all in all they´re all the same .
So the positive side of that all is that bc he is is so super intelligent he makes me point up all the time and say intelligent things too bc I want him to think that I´m smart too. :D
My mum would already love him for this , i guess :D
So in Judaism there are all these beautifull rules like Shomer Negiah which u have a desire to break 24/7 but make it easier for u to controll urself and I am gratefull for that.
Because I know that in nowadays and especially in my generation´s youth there is no place for my idea of a pure platonic realationship where you go out for a coffee at 4 pm come back before sunset and discuss politics and literature.
So I can just dream of having him for my own ...
Even though I already imagined him in a kippa considering conversion .. and in that imagination he looked pretty well , i think it would stand him :DD
Awwwww... <3








Will be sooo funny to read this in 5 years :DD

Don´t panic...

bones sinking like stones 

                                                              all that we've fought for

 homes, places we've grown

all of us are done for 

we live in a beautiful world

 yeah we do 

yeah we do

 we live in a beautiful world 

bones sinking like stones

 all that we've fought for

 homes, places we've grown

 all of us are done for 

we live in a beautiful world 

yeah we do 

yeah we do 

we live in a beautiful world 

we live in a beautiful world

 yeah we do

 yeah we do 

we live in a beautiful world 

oh all that i know

 there's nothing here to run from cause here, 

everybody here's got somebody to lean on 

Weekly motivations.

Work.
Smile.
Pray.
Trust.
Love.


usually I write those on little papers I stick on different things in my room.
SO that I am reminded of what are my goals for this week everytime i see them :)

Like every year

Since I wanted to post for 2 weeks now ... finally I will.

MAny things changed .. I´ve been to a camp in Russia which brought major chages into my life.

Like camps always do.

I met new people who I felt so connected to .

MAde new friends , thought about old ones .

And started seeing life in another way.

All I can say now is that i miss camp terribly.

Not because there were fun activites and stuff to keep everyone busy , but because there were people you could talk to 24 h a day about whatever u wanted .

I opened my heart to several people this summer . 

Sometimes I was dissappointed and sometimes people insulted me .

But all in one I jsut miss everything.

I miss having real DMC´s and feeling that i am understood.

I miss being popular.

I miss going outside and hearing 15 peopel shouting my name with excitement .

I really do miss waking up in my messy etz chaim bed with counselors that i was ready to kill for waking me up.

I miss the disgusting food.

I miss seing everyone  walking down the steps.

I miss hiding from chana lea on the upper floor.

i miss all that little russian children that used to hug me so hard i couldn´t breathe.

i miss making haredie jokes which are understood by more than one person.

I miss all this activities even if they used to get me nervous .

I miss learning, growing, understanding , being understood 

and i miss simply being in an enviroment that loves Hashem and Tora .

That allowed me to be who I really wanna be .

That allowed me to live without fear and stress.

But now I came home and if I want or not.

THis is my life and I can´t change it.

This is my home and this are my parents .

My only hope is to see all of u again , hopefully soon.

To stay in touch with everybody

And to hear , if even barely that what i do is the right thing .

And that sometimes I will move to Lakewood and live a fullfilled haredie life .

And I won´t worry about being who  I am.

It is like after every camp . 

It is like every year ... but different.

I am older ,i guess I am more mature.

I know English better.

And i just grew in every way.

SO I just wish I won´t stop growing ,

On Thursday school starts ... the two final years :/

AndI am sooo darn afraid.

Small fishes in big glasses

We are all just small fishes in big glasses.

Small people with big dreams , hopes.

We are holding on to get what we desire to become something special.

To change the world.

To be one of the 0,01 percent of the people who are known by every child and named in every schoolbook.

But reality is , that it´s just 0,01 percent and there are the other 99.99 percent who live their lives as well.

They are our neighbors , friends, teachers or cassiers .

Some poor , some rich , some lucky and some not.

And it´s your chance to choose , being happy or being sad .

Life gives you opportunities , sometimes they are big and change your life .

To good or to bad.

Sometimes they are small . they just Post veröffentlichenhandle with one day .

It´s just one breath taken more or less .

That could still be your last or your first real attempt to live , to love , to explore , inspire or become yourself.

So take it or leave it.

Smell the roses and see the sun .

Sometimes it seems like a really dark day.

But there still is the hope for a bright afternoon, evening or the day after.

Only dark days are impossible.

That would mean the earth would be one great popsickle .

Just open up your eyes and your mind .

Become a very special part of that 99.9 percent .

Be great or just be yourself.

Or be both.

Read much , talk much , eat things that make you happy, meet people that make you happy, ride your bike, write your heart out , take pictures with emotions, smile with heart, listen to music with meaning, look at the moon , hang on the phone with dear people  , dress up, travel,tell people you love them , do others a favor and enjoy being yourself .

A tiny little part of 6 Billion people , who all just want the same as you.

To be happy and carefree and special.

But who says you have to be carefree to be happy , hun ?

I´m drowning

I am not blogging that much lately , and I have the talent of finding the moments I have the less time :D

I am sitting here now , it´s Shabbes soon and I still have to tidy up and shower .

Greats are bad and mummy´s mad.

That´s the situation.

My Granny has serious health issues and is not feeling well and I am very worried.

Mum is flying to Lithuania on Sunday and I am staying by myself.

My lovely Sophie ex. Gorelashvili now Kaufman formed the cutest couple with her lovely husband..

More on that l8ter.

What I discovered lately and want to write my post about is:

Did u ever noticed all songs are about love ? 

Oh there´s a boy and he doesn´t like me oohhh 

I mean is love really the only important thing in life?

SUre we all wanna find the perfect Prince to love and beloved.

To marry and be happy .

BUt there are things that can make u not less happy and also sad.

Friends , Health , People just being kind to you, presents , money , travelling , animals , little children and soo many other stuff.

I kind of lost my happiness , compared to the mood I had 2 month ago I am kind of transforming to  an EMo.

It´s just like it´s to much for me.

I guess I didn´t know how bad the world really was for 16 years.

ANd I wish that there was soemeone who had told me that earlier.

Because it´s like I fell into a pool of lies and madness and I have the feeling of drowning .

I talk and talk to people . But I still don´t get the feeling of being understood.

ANd as my mum told me to go to the Psychologist lately ( like kinda joke ) my first thought was :

Mmmh good idea , at least I would´ve someone to talk to.

That´s why I wish that I was 10 years older and had a real friend , my husband to listen to me and tell me he´d be there for me forever and support in anything .

Because I can´t carry this by myself.

I tried sleeping a night about my mood , and I tried sleeping two nights .

Maybe there was one day I smelled the smell of happiness but the day after smelled like dead again.

And it just feels like existing , not like living to me.

And I want to live.

I am drowning.

I am drowning.

There are things u´ll never tell

I am overwhelmed.

I pray , I sleep and wake up with the same bitter taste every morning.

The taste of overwhelmedness.

I smile , talk about senseless stuff, laugh but I am afraid of coming home and I am afraid of every new day.

There are things that we won´t ever tell , because we can´t or because we jsut realize it´s better to keep them unspoken.

And this opresses me so hard I feel like my mind and heart cut into pieces.

And I am mad , mad because it´s not fair .

It´s not fair that all this load is carried on my shoulders.

It´s not fair that I have to bea grown up when I don´t want 

and have to be a child when I feel like I am grown up.

It´s not fair that some people don´t even know what responsibility means .

It´s not fair that some people just have to care for themselves and have no other problems than bad marks or a chaotic room.

And most of all it´s not fair that I have to care this load all by my own.

And I can´t change a thing about that.

That´s what makes my face wett every evening.

I jsut want to be young , care and worryless.