Small fishes in big glasses

We are all just small fishes in big glasses.

Small people with big dreams , hopes.

We are holding on to get what we desire to become something special.

To change the world.

To be one of the 0,01 percent of the people who are known by every child and named in every schoolbook.

But reality is , that it´s just 0,01 percent and there are the other 99.99 percent who live their lives as well.

They are our neighbors , friends, teachers or cassiers .

Some poor , some rich , some lucky and some not.

And it´s your chance to choose , being happy or being sad .

Life gives you opportunities , sometimes they are big and change your life .

To good or to bad.

Sometimes they are small . they just Post veröffentlichenhandle with one day .

It´s just one breath taken more or less .

That could still be your last or your first real attempt to live , to love , to explore , inspire or become yourself.

So take it or leave it.

Smell the roses and see the sun .

Sometimes it seems like a really dark day.

But there still is the hope for a bright afternoon, evening or the day after.

Only dark days are impossible.

That would mean the earth would be one great popsickle .

Just open up your eyes and your mind .

Become a very special part of that 99.9 percent .

Be great or just be yourself.

Or be both.

Read much , talk much , eat things that make you happy, meet people that make you happy, ride your bike, write your heart out , take pictures with emotions, smile with heart, listen to music with meaning, look at the moon , hang on the phone with dear people  , dress up, travel,tell people you love them , do others a favor and enjoy being yourself .

A tiny little part of 6 Billion people , who all just want the same as you.

To be happy and carefree and special.

But who says you have to be carefree to be happy , hun ?

I´m drowning

I am not blogging that much lately , and I have the talent of finding the moments I have the less time :D

I am sitting here now , it´s Shabbes soon and I still have to tidy up and shower .

Greats are bad and mummy´s mad.

That´s the situation.

My Granny has serious health issues and is not feeling well and I am very worried.

Mum is flying to Lithuania on Sunday and I am staying by myself.

My lovely Sophie ex. Gorelashvili now Kaufman formed the cutest couple with her lovely husband..

More on that l8ter.

What I discovered lately and want to write my post about is:

Did u ever noticed all songs are about love ? 

Oh there´s a boy and he doesn´t like me oohhh 

I mean is love really the only important thing in life?

SUre we all wanna find the perfect Prince to love and beloved.

To marry and be happy .

BUt there are things that can make u not less happy and also sad.

Friends , Health , People just being kind to you, presents , money , travelling , animals , little children and soo many other stuff.

I kind of lost my happiness , compared to the mood I had 2 month ago I am kind of transforming to  an EMo.

It´s just like it´s to much for me.

I guess I didn´t know how bad the world really was for 16 years.

ANd I wish that there was soemeone who had told me that earlier.

Because it´s like I fell into a pool of lies and madness and I have the feeling of drowning .

I talk and talk to people . But I still don´t get the feeling of being understood.

ANd as my mum told me to go to the Psychologist lately ( like kinda joke ) my first thought was :

Mmmh good idea , at least I would´ve someone to talk to.

That´s why I wish that I was 10 years older and had a real friend , my husband to listen to me and tell me he´d be there for me forever and support in anything .

Because I can´t carry this by myself.

I tried sleeping a night about my mood , and I tried sleeping two nights .

Maybe there was one day I smelled the smell of happiness but the day after smelled like dead again.

And it just feels like existing , not like living to me.

And I want to live.

I am drowning.

I am drowning.

There are things u´ll never tell

I am overwhelmed.

I pray , I sleep and wake up with the same bitter taste every morning.

The taste of overwhelmedness.

I smile , talk about senseless stuff, laugh but I am afraid of coming home and I am afraid of every new day.

There are things that we won´t ever tell , because we can´t or because we jsut realize it´s better to keep them unspoken.

And this opresses me so hard I feel like my mind and heart cut into pieces.

And I am mad , mad because it´s not fair .

It´s not fair that all this load is carried on my shoulders.

It´s not fair that I have to bea grown up when I don´t want 

and have to be a child when I feel like I am grown up.

It´s not fair that some people don´t even know what responsibility means .

It´s not fair that some people just have to care for themselves and have no other problems than bad marks or a chaotic room.

And most of all it´s not fair that I have to care this load all by my own.

And I can´t change a thing about that.

That´s what makes my face wett every evening.

I jsut want to be young , care and worryless.

These times

Billions of moments rushing trough my head.

All these moments of fear 

and all these moments of empty hope 

Believing in something that was broken 

all this billion moments ago.

In a time where an aching heart was the highest price I could pay

These times of unknown prices.

These times of unshattered powers 

and joy that wasn´t broken 

with wings of love 

rushing trough pure air 

not yet filled with sour acid.

My love that died trough all these times 

My love, it was a brave soldier 

but the rivals were to strong 

so it died trough all these times 

times of punishement and enslavement

enslavement of the mind of the soul and of everything  I was.

But even if the love is gone

my heart is still filled with sparks of eternal sunshine.

I guess forever.

I hope forever.

Billions of moments

I guess that is what people call irony of destiny.

I can´t go to Berlin,

 sure honey , welcome that´s ``sweet`` life.

Sometimes I really ask myself why did I, little stupid always choose the way wich is the most complicated.

People always use to  tell me I put to much hope and heart in some things .

Tooooo much.

But I can´t do it otherwise and I tried ,

 I tried to believe that everything is for the best.

I tried to believe that I won´t be sad

I tried to believe that there is someone who has a warm heart

and warm ears to listen .

To first listen and then judge.

I believe everytime ,

I sit and hope with my whole heart everytime

I am nervous everytime

I worry everytime

But it´s for nothing if I am the only one and I won´t say it´s someone´s fault.

I am gratefull for all people trying to convince the bosses.

It´s just , I AM TIRED.

I am tired of hoping , believing and knowing that everything is for nothing.

For nothing and nothing.

I am loosing myself , I am trying to be someone else just to appeal to somebody who judges about me .

And I am not a bad person, I don´t deserve that.

I do NOT DESERVE THAT.

And so I maybe just have to wait until Sophie is going to be married so I can visit chilly Leipzig in Future.

And not haredi Berlin.

I loved Berlin and I loved Midrsha with my whole heart but thank u .

U are doing everything for me to dislike u.

Berlin , oh Berlin city of my broken dreams.

How I love u and how I hate u.

Maybe it´s all a test , maybe G-d is testing me.

But the price I pay is higher than the result .

So I have to decide , do I really need this ?

DO I really need to have billions moments of sadness for one weekend of joy ?

I don´t know.

I Just know that , even if i have a hard time to believe in that with my whole soul,

EVERYTHING IS FOR THE BEST.

and hashem knows what he does.

...

A sky without bounds

Time runs , it runs without looking back , without bounds.

And so I run , but I look back and my mind is my boundry , in a sky without boundrys

I haven´t written for so long now that I feel a part of me is lost .

And the funny thing about that is that i thought out new blog posts every day , adding them up and thinking, thinking, thinking !

And never wrote one of them in real.

So here I go.

I can´t imagine how much changes can aproach in one´s life in just one month.

Springvacation passed almost so long ago that I have trouble remembering all my feelings about that.

But I can remember that I spend almost all of my vacations in LITHUANIA.

Lithuania isn´t the land of my dreams, it hasn´t a good economy and it hasn´t extraordinairy things in it.

But I love Lithuania so much ,my heart jumps out of my chest, when I just close my eyes and imagine it´s smell.

Eastern-Europe , the place where everything is grey but green, boring , but filled with so many adventures.

It´s dirty,it´s unsorted , but it has it´s charme and it´s cuteness that lifts up my mind .

And above all Lithuania contains the most sweet , amazing and lovliest people of the world.

And I had the honor of spending wonderfull days with them.

But these days gave me much things to think about , and also loads of doubt.

Is this , what  I am doing to my life really right ?

I can remember the feeling of someone dropping off ur blinders that u now realize have been wearing for almost 2 years .

And suddenly u see the world again.

U can see ur right and ur left that u haven´t seen for so long.

And I soaked in all the right´s and the left´s .

And I felt my soul cut in pieces .

Orthodox Judaism is a blinder, and I don´t say that in a judging way.

But it is , u don´t see the world , u just see the right way , ur right way, the way of Tora and G-d.

The only problem is that in this timne I didn´t know if I want that blinder that much , while realizing that the World is so beautifull and so full of unseen places undone things and unlived moments.

I spend time with people who don´t really understand my decisions even if I believe they are trying with their whole hearts, and at this time i begann thinking about my decisions and about how much my life really changed.

But I came home and I realized that this is what I want and that I just can´t imagine a life without Mitzvot and Hashem who lights up my soul every day.

And now as I sit on my balcony , eating Ice cream from my new kosher bowl , I feel the sun going down at the horizon , and I hear Hashem whispering words of encouragement which light up my heart with trustfullness and the ultimate of belief.