These times

Billions of moments rushing trough my head.

All these moments of fear 

and all these moments of empty hope 

Believing in something that was broken 

all this billion moments ago.

In a time where an aching heart was the highest price I could pay

These times of unknown prices.

These times of unshattered powers 

and joy that wasn´t broken 

with wings of love 

rushing trough pure air 

not yet filled with sour acid.

My love that died trough all these times 

My love, it was a brave soldier 

but the rivals were to strong 

so it died trough all these times 

times of punishement and enslavement

enslavement of the mind of the soul and of everything  I was.

But even if the love is gone

my heart is still filled with sparks of eternal sunshine.

I guess forever.

I hope forever.

Billions of moments

I guess that is what people call irony of destiny.

I can´t go to Berlin,

 sure honey , welcome that´s ``sweet`` life.

Sometimes I really ask myself why did I, little stupid always choose the way wich is the most complicated.

People always use to  tell me I put to much hope and heart in some things .

Tooooo much.

But I can´t do it otherwise and I tried ,

 I tried to believe that everything is for the best.

I tried to believe that I won´t be sad

I tried to believe that there is someone who has a warm heart

and warm ears to listen .

To first listen and then judge.

I believe everytime ,

I sit and hope with my whole heart everytime

I am nervous everytime

I worry everytime

But it´s for nothing if I am the only one and I won´t say it´s someone´s fault.

I am gratefull for all people trying to convince the bosses.

It´s just , I AM TIRED.

I am tired of hoping , believing and knowing that everything is for nothing.

For nothing and nothing.

I am loosing myself , I am trying to be someone else just to appeal to somebody who judges about me .

And I am not a bad person, I don´t deserve that.

I do NOT DESERVE THAT.

And so I maybe just have to wait until Sophie is going to be married so I can visit chilly Leipzig in Future.

And not haredi Berlin.

I loved Berlin and I loved Midrsha with my whole heart but thank u .

U are doing everything for me to dislike u.

Berlin , oh Berlin city of my broken dreams.

How I love u and how I hate u.

Maybe it´s all a test , maybe G-d is testing me.

But the price I pay is higher than the result .

So I have to decide , do I really need this ?

DO I really need to have billions moments of sadness for one weekend of joy ?

I don´t know.

I Just know that , even if i have a hard time to believe in that with my whole soul,

EVERYTHING IS FOR THE BEST.

and hashem knows what he does.

...

A sky without bounds

Time runs , it runs without looking back , without bounds.

And so I run , but I look back and my mind is my boundry , in a sky without boundrys

I haven´t written for so long now that I feel a part of me is lost .

And the funny thing about that is that i thought out new blog posts every day , adding them up and thinking, thinking, thinking !

And never wrote one of them in real.

So here I go.

I can´t imagine how much changes can aproach in one´s life in just one month.

Springvacation passed almost so long ago that I have trouble remembering all my feelings about that.

But I can remember that I spend almost all of my vacations in LITHUANIA.

Lithuania isn´t the land of my dreams, it hasn´t a good economy and it hasn´t extraordinairy things in it.

But I love Lithuania so much ,my heart jumps out of my chest, when I just close my eyes and imagine it´s smell.

Eastern-Europe , the place where everything is grey but green, boring , but filled with so many adventures.

It´s dirty,it´s unsorted , but it has it´s charme and it´s cuteness that lifts up my mind .

And above all Lithuania contains the most sweet , amazing and lovliest people of the world.

And I had the honor of spending wonderfull days with them.

But these days gave me much things to think about , and also loads of doubt.

Is this , what  I am doing to my life really right ?

I can remember the feeling of someone dropping off ur blinders that u now realize have been wearing for almost 2 years .

And suddenly u see the world again.

U can see ur right and ur left that u haven´t seen for so long.

And I soaked in all the right´s and the left´s .

And I felt my soul cut in pieces .

Orthodox Judaism is a blinder, and I don´t say that in a judging way.

But it is , u don´t see the world , u just see the right way , ur right way, the way of Tora and G-d.

The only problem is that in this timne I didn´t know if I want that blinder that much , while realizing that the World is so beautifull and so full of unseen places undone things and unlived moments.

I spend time with people who don´t really understand my decisions even if I believe they are trying with their whole hearts, and at this time i begann thinking about my decisions and about how much my life really changed.

But I came home and I realized that this is what I want and that I just can´t imagine a life without Mitzvot and Hashem who lights up my soul every day.

And now as I sit on my balcony , eating Ice cream from my new kosher bowl , I feel the sun going down at the horizon , and I hear Hashem whispering words of encouragement which light up my heart with trustfullness and the ultimate of belief.

These days there is so much Happyness around me .
And I am happy I am hyper happy for all that happy people .
But the more people find each other the morei feel lonely .
And i feel like there is missing something.
Sure there are many people now who I am friends with now , but what will be in a half year ?
Will they remember me ?
Will they still talk to me the way they do now ?

I am afraid .
Yes i really am .
All I want is to have people to love and be loved in return and the more I see love
the more I realize that love is all we need

And I just see people fading away from me and for a heart it´s hard to give persons up.
But I think I am strong enough ;)

Everything is for it´s time and HAshem knows how to lead us and what I need.
MAybe i needed this people more a while ago.

I have to be happy for them and yes I am mixed with a little melancholy these days.

<3 that

To the one who cherishes my words :*

Yes I do admire many people ,my close people .

And I can´t help myself loving my closest ones with my whole heart.

That´s what makes my Person , that is what makes me who  I am .

I love caring, i love leaving notes and making other things just knowing that someone will be happy about them

And i believe that this is enough reason to make them , and u will not die or loose ur lifetime if u just write someone something nice just to show that u are thinking about him and caring.

 At the moment I see my life changing more than ever , I see how I have grown and how others have.

There is still so much to say to write and to think of that my blog is not enough .

But the resumee of these last days is just :

Love the people who can love u back .

Because that feels better.

And look after ur words they could mean so much to others and so less to soemones.

And sure : Don´t forget to say I love u to people who cherish ur words.

And don´t forget who u are and how others could feel about your words.

Good Shabbes world.

I love u Mila <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

My one and only best of the best friends in the whole world.

WHat would I be without u ? 

Goya Festival :DD

I love u honeyyyyy

Shabbes is so near I can almost touch it.

And it will be an amazing Shabbos just us two in Osnabrooklyn like in the Old times we use to forget.

The good old times .

I miss them , just u and me and nothing else ( except from Ben and Jerry  love the two guys ;DD )

TAlking trough the nights , spacking and laughing 

U are my sunshineeeeeeeeeeeeeee ! 

And I love u more and more and more than anything ! :******

Attention

I wrote the beginning of this post for 20.000.000. times now and I can´t find the right words.

I just came from school and have to go in 10 minutes .

So this is what I thought about the whole day now.

And I have to say that I don´t know how to handle with that without my blog.

But I also know that people will understand what I mean.

But u know i don´t care.

I don´t care .

Yesterday was my Birthday .

It was nothing special , 

Some people said HAppy B-day just to be polite 

Some said it with their love warming me up 

And others didn´t say it at all.

They didn´t care.

Okay it´s just a Birthday and I am not trying to do a Drama of it .

But yes it is my Birthday .

And I believe that I deserve at least a happy b-day on my facebook wall.

No ?

I just can´t say how disappointed I am of some people .

Yes it´s just two words.

Just a little geste to show someone you care about him.

And why can people from some paralel classes do that ,

who I don´t even spoke to once?

Why ?

ANd why are u pretending on being my friend and want me to be ur´s 

when u just forget or better don´t care about my B-day ?

I can understand that people have no time 

The time is running and there are things more important than some 16 year old´s

But why don´t u understand what that means to me ?

Why don´t u think about that I could be sad ?

O.K let´s be honest u don´t think anything.

ANd maybe it´s better this way .

Everybody has to learn what Disappointment means.

But I am speechless.

Iam just speechless.

It´s just that little bit of attention .

Why can I put effort in making u happy `?

Paper,Time, Effort and Love .

And now i understand that it´s waisted it´s waisted.

SO yeah u know maybe i should keep my heart and my attention to people 

who really care and think about me .

ANd don´t just tell so , when they need u.

I sure love u , if i didn´t it wouldn´t hurt me that much it does.

And i´ll try to do not care.

I´ll try .