Free like a bird

I am sick.
Not only my throat is hurting .
I am sick of life.
I am not a Emo-depressed one saying that life is soooo bad.
But I can´t do it anymore I am sick of being.
The funny one and talking about shit everyday.
I mean the society is so skin deep.
My parents are fighting .
My mum is nervous.
My mum broke her arm.
And i just don´t wanna hear it anymore.
I have to be there i have to listen all the time but I don´t want anymore.
Is it so wrong that i just wann be a child.
Life was so easy u were small and innocent.
U didn´t knew how cruel the world is .
My heart is breaking it´s opression.
I just wanna sit in my room and listen to Alina Orlova the whole damn day.
And I pray for everyday to end.
Gosh how could i come this far ?
Why do I unlearned to love life?
I just want to feel life again.
Without worries and don´t think what´s gonna be tomorrow and whati have to do to say .
I know it´s wrong .
but i can´t help myself just looking on my life being so meaning empty.
I hope it´ll pass .
I hope it´s just that stressed Rebekka sitting in her room and listening to melancholical music who is writing this.
Is to be free -
too much i want ?
Free like a bird.

My very own life

we have voices 

and stories 

and plans 

and dreams and ideas.

 we have hope. 

we will wake up tomorrow to a day that has never been known. we are living a life that has never been lived. 

we are here for a reason. 

we exist to love and be loved.

 life comes back. things do change. storms do pass.

Tell me who I am please.

Sometimes
 I ask myself
 what I´ll remember about my adolescence
 when I´ll grow up ,
When I´ll sit down with my own children ,
drinking hot chocolate and looking at me with their big eyes.
Will I really remember how I stood in the synagouge
 waiting for a friend and felt what Kavannah really means ,
feeling like I would start crying right now,
feeling the tears coming up ur heart.
Will I remember how I went to Am Echad Machane ,
thinking that this would be the perfect life,
crying for it and not wanting to understand that that isn´t life.
Will I remember lying in bed with my Best Friend all day long,
and talking about our perfect wedding plans,
promising each other to be 2gether forever ( like in a High-school movie)
Will I remember my first Regina Spektor Song ,
I fell in love with ?
And sang all day ,
till i head no voice and breathe ,
falling into bed in the evening
and waking up depressed.
Asking myself wasn´t it all a dream?
A dream of my own personal happyness?
And will I remember this exact Moment ?
Writing my blog,
searching for freedom and true friendship.
It´ll seem like the entry of a normal naive 15-year old,
who´s in this famous ``self-searching-phase``
and maybe everyone will think she´s just like the other teenagers
but I really don´t know who I am.
And this is what´s killing me everyday.
I just know that I wanna be happy.
But who doesn´t ???
<3

Tell me : Why is she so unbelievable?

"I'm from Moscow, and then the Bronx, so I can do whatever the fuck I 
want."




Regina Spektor is the most most mooost amazing singer i know.
From time to time i am addicted to special artists and this week it´s her.
She is just amazzzzzziing.
And Jewish and used to play the violine .
So 2 extra likes. 
:))))
<3

The test : called life

My whole life i keep saying to myself:
HAshem is just testing you.
He knows you can do it.
It will make you stronger.

But sometimes I want to answer :
Hashem , please, i don´t wanna be stronger .
I don´t wanna be brave.
And I don´t want to have tests which are harder, just because you know that I am strong I can pass them.

We have to have trust and believe that everything is for the best.
But sometimes the more you look on things the less good things you find.


I couldn´t ever chose if I want to be a strong personality.
Maybe i wanted to be weak ?!
: \

Unlogical Logic

Actually ,
there are so many things i could write about .
But i kind of never get to it. In every situation of my life i try to see something more deep than the thing itself.
Maybe this confuses some people because they can´t follow me .
Today it´s cold. I am sitting in the living room and outside the window on the busy road in front of my house it´s snowing.
This year is the most interesting nicest hardest and craziest year of my life.
Since this summer my life changed so much that i can´t even say it was my life before.
I was in a Camp ( was really hard for me to get in there) so i really enjoyed it.
Met new people . Some i really could talk my heart out with and can even today.
I went to the lovely Midrasha in Berlin where i really love going .
And all that .
Started seeing the life in another perspective. Started praying with meaning.
My life seems so fullfilled and I want to be thankfull for it , but sometimes i just want to get out.
Go to a place without hectic , without noise and just want to leave all this logic here.
You have to do it this way you have to do it that way.
Sometimes i just want to shout : I don´t have to , I am my own personality and i can do it like i want .
But you always have to fit .
Logic is the most stupid thing that people ever invented .
Today I read the Teddy . Which my lovely friend Sophie gave to me in Berlin .
And I just felt like i want to go into it and give him  a hug and talk to him say him that i think the exact way.
Did anybody  ever tell that grass is green ?
It´s just a name . It maybe could be pink.
Leave it , get it out from ur head. The logic itself is the most unlogial thing.
And sometimes i really think noone can understand what i am saying.
The best thing in life is to have the opportunity to be yourself.
And i really hope that one day i will maybe find someone who i can tell everything I really think of and I won´t worry about what he or she is thinking of me.
Because maybe i am just less logical than the world around me.

Just a bike ?

Dear Bike riders,
There are two things about bikes that really fascinate me.
Maybe things a person never pays attention at.
U ever drove ur Bike in the dark?
I did few weeks a go for the first time.
I was frightened maybe because I am only 15 but there was also this great feeling .
The feeling of total Freedom.
Just me ,my bike and the Music I listened to ( I think it was the Fray).
And the moon shining above me.
After a few minutes I forgot that I was frightened .
And I looked at the road beside me . I drove under this big lantern .
And I saw the shadow of me and my bike.
And over and over again it came from behind itself and overran itself.
I didn´t get this out of my head for the next week.
Maybe this is the Important Thing in life?
To overrun yourself over and over again.
To get out from the dark.
The second Thing is .
Driving . Simply pushing down the pedals of ur Bike.
There are 2 ways to do that.
First slowly and then fast trying to get quicker.
Or push them constantly with medium power.
U will recognize that the 2nd way is the easiest.
U will get faster and faster and it´l get easier with the time so u can beginn to drive faster with less energy but consatnt.
So maybe this is also about Life?
U have to give constant power in what u are doing .
Don´t rely on the fast ;oments in ur life.
Work everyday on your goals.

So that was it.
Surprising how much u can learn from riding a bike ;)
<3